Sunday, September 14, 2008

Hanging in there

Kevin's energetic mood dwindled a bit as the day went on. He experienced a little bit of nausea with Mike, and when I came in around 6:30 he was really tired. Kevin seemed to have a little bit of the blues today. This infection will turn out fine, but for his psychological state this additional inpatient stint was the last thing he needed. He's tired......In fact I think he's tired of being tired. I tried to cheer him up a bit, which isn't always easy to do. He's so sensitive to other people, he'll say what he needs to say so you stop worrying about him. I think he had a good time playing Wii with Mike today, and he did seem tuned in when we read a few chapters of a book tonight. I tried to cheer him up by reminding him we'll be going home soon. A few weeks ago he was so incredibly excited. Now he's glad to be leaving here, but said he's not as excited as he thought he'd be in going home. He started talking about how it's been such a long time and how so much has happened. We're all nervous, so I totally get it. I guess I was just hoping his excitement would pull us along with him. Kevin has immense pride. It's tough for him to come home, knowing he's the sick kid. He's excited about our fish tank, and that's honestly been a saving grace for both of us. He reads through a book I bought him (Freshwater Fish A to Z) religously. He loves pointing out a new prospect and saying "daddy do you think maybe this fish will be compatible with our tank"? It's really the only thing he mentions about home with any kind of excitement anymore. He had a really good bond with his second grade teacher and is still a little weary of the new start in his third grade class. I've assured him his 3rd grade teacher seems very nice and caring. This would not have been a good year for Kevin to have a real militant, bottom line, un-caring teacher. Thankfully it seems his new teacher is none of that. He's very self aware, and knows he's a little emotionally fragile right now. As kids get older they get more and more discerning with who they hang out with. And Kevin in no way wants to be some symbolic mascot for illness and sympathy. I think it's apparent as I've gone on here, that his blues became my blues. Writting in this blog is very theraputic for me, as I'm pretty introverted and introspective. Any way, I'm sure when he's feeling a little better he'll perk up. For the time being, I'm going to try and keep him busy with fun stuff, and not make him feel like he has to talk about things if he doens't want to. He's so much like me in that regard it's scary. He did show some brief joy when I told him Max is in his class. The combination of brain surgery, radiation, and high dose chemo has changed him in many ways...Some of which will be short term, and some not so much. We'll just have to embrace the improvements he makes and have realistic expectations. When he's on, his personality still lights up a room. That's something none of this has taken away from him. One thing he's never said is why me? I would be lying if I said that question hasn't entered my mind a few times. We will all move forward, and embrace the rewards life gives us from this point on. Sorry for the melancholy post. I usually try and stay very omptimistic, but I'm human and so is Kevin. And when your little boy is down in he dumps it's a bit contagious. We need his counts to go up, so if there are people praying for Kevin, please specifically pray for his counts to rise quickly (I know I am). We love St. Jude, but as far as being inpatient Kevin has had more then enough.............It feels better to get that little diatribe off my chest......I promise more cheerful updates are sure to follow :-)

Eric

1 comment:

Laura said...

Eric,
Don't feel badly about what you've said..nothing you've written would embarress him down the road. This whole process...he's going to go through different stages of emotions, just like the rest of us. I know it must be so taxing on you guys watching your son, your flesh and blood go through this, but your going through it with him and he's not alone. It's good he's letting himself be sad and scared. He 's a little 8 year old boy that's been through more in 8 months than most people go through in a life time. He's teaching us you can't ignore human natures tendency to feel the obvious and express them..not matter what personality type you have. He's so brave and has been strong for so long. It's ok he's nervous, we all are. He has amazing parents, family adn loved ones that will always be there to pick him up. We are praying for him every day. .Everyone is. The loud family members, the quiet ones, the scared ones and the brave. Everyone thinks of you all every day...you guys aren't alone. You can do this, he can do this!
Love,
Laura