Monday, June 16, 2008

Another Fever

Sure enough as soon as Mike and Eric were either back in Michigan or on their way, Kevin came down with another fever. This time 100.7 so at 10:00 pm we were back at the hospital. My parents (thank Heaven) are here to help this week. Dad (Sam) stayed with Scotty and put him to bed and Mom (Jan) came with me, Kevin and Jake to the hospital. They didn't admit us this time (horray!). Kevin's ANC was at 6,000 so they gave him an antibiotic via IV and around 1:30 am sent us back to the apartment.

It is really scary for me to think I might have to do this all by myself eventually. I would be fine on my own with Kevin but baby Jake throws the whole thing over the edge. I wouldn't give him up, he brings alot of joy to Kevin (and me) and he helped Kevin get to the hospital last night when he really didn't want to go. But it leaves me begging even my husband for help which is a very diificult thing to do. Especially when I am reminded sometimes that I am asking for to much and how inconvenient this whole thing is. Who are we kidding? Kevin and I remind eachother during the difficult parts this whole thing stinks worse than a room full of skunks, hopefully we will have this all behind us next year.

Today, we just realized Mike only has 5 vacation days left after the mandatory shut down around the 4th of July. That isn't going to make it to the end of September. It is nice that Eric's work is so flexible with him and I know he will be here for each round of Kevin's chemo but Eric can't take care of Jake during the day when I have to be at the hospital with Kevin because he usually spends the nights at the hospital and then sleeps during the day during chemo. So far we have spent most of the time between rounds of chemo at the hospital either inpatient or 'might as well be inpatient' because we get there early in the morning and don't leave until late at night. I have some family members coming to help (which I am really grateful for) until the middle of July but my step sister Nicole is getting married the end of July so I am searching for anyone who would be willing to come help me the end of July and early August. It can be long hard days but we do have a spacious, nice apartment in a nice area (this is pretty much the only good thing I have to offer). Mike is coming every weekend but has to be back in Michigan every Sunday night. I thought about getting a mother's helper but being at the hospital at 1 am drove home the point I need someone more than 8 am - 5 pm. We could end up in the hospital at any point in time. Today just drove home that it looks like help is eventually going to run out, even my husbands help, and that has made me for the first time ever a little mad at God. Why did this have to happen to Kevin or for that matter any one of my children? Why now when we just had a baby? I would never turn my back on any of my children nor give up, but it doesn't make any of this less scary or less hard. I feel bad about being angry about this, and being here also gives the opportunity to see everyday miracles, but today I am having a difficult time getting over anyone of us being put in the horrible situation childhood cancer puts a child and their family in. I am hope my woe is me (/my kid) attitude will be better tomorrow. Just today was emotionally rough for me even though it turned out to be an easy day.

Kevin didn't show any signs of fever today. His ANC was at 4,000 as of noon. So it dropped a little. Kevin is starting to lose his eye lashes and is not the energetic kids he was during radiation. He spends most of the day laying on the couch when we aren't walking from one end of the hospital to the other. His eyes are sullen and I can see the toll cancer treatment has taken on his little body. He forces himself to eat whatever Scotty is eating. This morning he threw up his peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich I made for each of the boys. I appreciate him trying.

Cancer sucks.



Willardson Family said...

Rachel, Cancer does suck!! I can't even imagine what you are going through. I don't think I would be as strong as you! We will keep you in our prayers!!

michigan_herrs said...

timing couldn't have been worse, especially having to take care of an infant, which of course is a blessing. We'll figure something out. We're all going to be stronger and better people because of this, which I know doesn't make things better right now.


terri braswell said...

Hey Rachel, I do not believe there is anything worse than dealing with childhood cancer. It is not easy and it will probably be much harder before it gets better. I know how emotional it is and it can only be escalated with an adorable little boy. It is stressful enough raising children but add in cancer and it seems near impossible. We will all have our moments when we get angry and I believe that means we are processing this horrible ordeal. We will have many more levels of anger,exhaustion,frustration,depression, and the only thing to remember is there are people hear to listen at all times. You can call me anytime. We can cry on the phone togehter if need be. Whatever it takes. I am here for you for whatever you need. Please hang in there and remember tomorrow is a new day. Love, Terri

Laura said...

I'm very excited to come down on Monday for the week! I'm so sorry it has been a difficult day..I can only imagine it's been one of many. I definetly will help out and come down another time this summer. I will speak with Alex about driving down the next time..we're family and I'll do whatever it takes to help. I know my mom want's to come down too. I can't wait to see you guys soon..give Kevin my love.
Hang in there :-)
P.S. I got the thank you notes in the mail and sent them out..thank you!

Resa said...

Rachel, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your entire family as you struggle to get Kevin through his treatments. Time is flying by so fast that this will be over before you know it. Keep the faith and believe that God is a miracle worker! I pray that Kevin will be a wonderful testimony to God's incredible grace and power! I wish I was in Memphis so I could help you in some way! I will pray that God will work it out so someone can be there for you to help with whatever you need. We'll keep you in our prayers!
love you guys!

Anonymous said...

I don't know why you guys are going through this, or why any parent has to go through it for that matter. There is no ideal when it comes to cancer. I can't imagine, what you and your families must be going through. You are definitely sacraficing a lot right now. And as Eric said, this will make you guys stronger. God chose you to be his mom for a reason. He will give you the strength that you need. And you are human, and have a right to feel angry. But please don't be angry at God. He doesn't want to see you guys go through this either. Rachel, if I could go down there and support you guys, I would. But, I'm not even sure Kevin knows who I am because I don't get to see him much. I don't know what help I'd be. I can pray for you guys, which I do, as well as my kids, every night. Try and stay strong.

Cindy Scholten
(Eric's cousin)