Another Fever

Sure enough as soon as Mike and Eric were either back in Michigan or on their way, Kevin came down with another fever. This time 100.7 so at 10:00 pm we were back at the hospital. My parents (thank Heaven) are here to help this week. Dad (Sam) stayed with Scotty and put him to bed and Mom (Jan) came with me, Kevin and Jake to the hospital. They didn't admit us this time (horray!). Kevin's ANC was at 6,000 so they gave him an antibiotic via IV and around 1:30 am sent us back to the apartment.

It is really scary for me to think I might have to do this all by myself eventually. I would be fine on my own with Kevin but baby Jake throws the whole thing over the edge. I wouldn't give him up, he brings alot of joy to Kevin (and me) and he helped Kevin get to the hospital last night when he really didn't want to go. But it leaves me begging even my husband for help which is a very diificult thing to do. Especially when I am reminded sometimes that I am asking for to much and how inconvenient this whole thing is. Who are we kidding? Kevin and I remind eachother during the difficult parts this whole thing stinks worse than a room full of skunks, hopefully we will have this all behind us next year.

Today, we just realized Mike only has 5 vacation days left after the mandatory shut down around the 4th of July. That isn't going to make it to the end of September. It is nice that Eric's work is so flexible with him and I know he will be here for each round of Kevin's chemo but Eric can't take care of Jake during the day when I have to be at the hospital with Kevin because he usually spends the nights at the hospital and then sleeps during the day during chemo. So far we have spent most of the time between rounds of chemo at the hospital either inpatient or 'might as well be inpatient' because we get there early in the morning and don't leave until late at night. I have some family members coming to help (which I am really grateful for) until the middle of July but my step sister Nicole is getting married the end of July so I am searching for anyone who would be willing to come help me the end of July and early August. It can be long hard days but we do have a spacious, nice apartment in a nice area (this is pretty much the only good thing I have to offer). Mike is coming every weekend but has to be back in Michigan every Sunday night. I thought about getting a mother's helper but being at the hospital at 1 am drove home the point I need someone more than 8 am - 5 pm. We could end up in the hospital at any point in time. Today just drove home that it looks like help is eventually going to run out, even my husbands help, and that has made me for the first time ever a little mad at God. Why did this have to happen to Kevin or for that matter any one of my children? Why now when we just had a baby? I would never turn my back on any of my children nor give up, but it doesn't make any of this less scary or less hard. I feel bad about being angry about this, and being here also gives the opportunity to see everyday miracles, but today I am having a difficult time getting over anyone of us being put in the horrible situation childhood cancer puts a child and their family in. I am hope my woe is me (/my kid) attitude will be better tomorrow. Just today was emotionally rough for me even though it turned out to be an easy day.


Kevin didn't show any signs of fever today. His ANC was at 4,000 as of noon. So it dropped a little. Kevin is starting to lose his eye lashes and is not the energetic kids he was during radiation. He spends most of the day laying on the couch when we aren't walking from one end of the hospital to the other. His eyes are sullen and I can see the toll cancer treatment has taken on his little body. He forces himself to eat whatever Scotty is eating. This morning he threw up his peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich I made for each of the boys. I appreciate him trying.

Cancer sucks.

Rachel